Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Woe
Strike a match
and watch it burn.
Something deep
inside me yearns
The trouble
nascent in the flame
reduce to ash
what we have gained.
Build it up
and knock it down.
Watch it crumble
to the ground.
Cry your tears,
but when you're through
dust it off,
and start anew.
I don't like to see you joyous,
relaxed on dock of bay.
Don't ask me to join with you chorus
on your bestest day.
I don't like to see you happy,
this not my jealousy,
Call me when you're feeling crappy
you will eventually.
It's not I wish upon you blue
I much prefer it when you're true
'cause when life puts us out to task
more genuine than a smiling mask
that tries to portray that all is fine
ignoring Woe which bides the time
and complacency I hate to see:
so do not call me smiling.
'Cause over your shoulder I do see
that saboteur named Misery
weaving web a trap unkind
and waiting for the ripest time
to spring upon us strife and woe
and in his claws I hate to go.
Others might prefer your cheer,
but me I like to see your tears
'cause underneath of Misery's thumb
we're more willing to be done
fire loosed and burned to ground
ready now to turn around
and a change of course I love to see
so do not call me smiling.
But Misery just bides the time
you tell me everything is fine
and ignore suggestions of change of course
what can I do? I cannot force
but day eventually turns to night
and with it that recurring plight
that springs upon us when we're weak
and rescue ransom we do seek
but do not fear I-told-you-so
I do not revel in your woe
it's a shame that woe I like to see:
so do not call me smiling.
--------------------------------
I usually don't like to provide commentary on my poems, but I think this one begged some. Some of my friends have told me that I have a certain knack for getting them to share the troubles of their life and turning an otherwise lighthearted catching up, into a sob fest. I do not mind. In fact, I prefer it. This poem tries to explain why.
When I say "this not my jealousy" meaning it's not because I really like seeing people cry. I don't. But I do prefer the genuine to the affected. If a person is genuinely happy, I have no issue with this. Heck, I love this. But when a person tries to fake happiness and willfully ignores sign posts pointing toward impending woe, this is what "I hate to see" so if I have to pick between affected and dangerously affected happiness and earnest tearfulness then... "do not call me smiling"
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really nice rhyme scheme through this...the last part / last stanza got me as i was just talking to some students about communication and how important it is to relationships...it takes a special person for people to trust them...and to listen....
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian, was wondering about the rhyme scheme, if it came across as undecided. I thought about unifying it and then decided to just leave it alone.
DeleteYour poem reflected your commentary very clearly (never doubting your good intention is seeing their woe), and I really enjoyed your reading. It's great to know you have their trust, and they will drop the happy mask for you.
ReplyDeleteI liked the piece very much (otherwise would not comment).The topic of not getting caught up in the drama, the "Misery" is a great topic, and you covered it well. That being said will offer a bit of critique. The first four stanzas have similar and steady meter and an "unstrained" rhyme scheme. Found the rhyme/meter not as tight throughout, and some of the phrases felt strained as if reaching for the rhyme. I think this could be rewritten and reworked to smooth it out a bit. Sometimes a slight turn of phrase can help, for example
ReplyDeleteI sometimes cringe to see you joyous,
relaxed and resting by the bay;
and I may never join your chorus
even on your finest day
It's not that I won't see you happy,
for I bear no jealousy.
and you can call when feeling "crappy"
(I know you will eventually.)
These are merely a few quick suggestions. I think we all start our poetry as rhyme, then eventually meter sinks in, but we also must hear in our head the flow, the number of beats per line, and whether the phrasing sounds natural or strained. The more you write, the easier it comes.Best wishes, will look forward to reading your next piece!
Thank you for your advice Ginny, I actually did rush this one a bit, trying to get it out in time for #OpenLinkNight, writing at midnight and past is not my best. I start eying the bed and my rhyming gets lazier :)
DeleteDespite your writing at late hour you turned a piece that is very readable and intuitive
ReplyDelete